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Father's Day and Marriage

It takes two to have a marriage and two to have a child. "Half" of that "two" is celebrated on Mother’s Day. It’s important to celebrate mothers’ essential role in marriages and families. However, five weeks later, when Father’s Day rolls around, somehow we sort of forget that there’s another half of the "two." We forget that men, likewise, play an essential role in marriage and family.

Reality Check: It’s not just women that like marriage and think it’s important. In a recent study released by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, involving over 12,000 people, (May 31, 2006), more men than women thought that "It is better to get married than go through life single," (66% of men, 51% of women). Likewise, more men than women agreed that "It is more important for a man to spend a lot of time with his family than be successful at his career" (76% of men, 72% of women).

Men’s involvement with their family is of vital importance. Families where the father is absent make up 63% of all youth suicides; 71% of all high school dropouts; 75% of all adolescent substance abuse patients; 70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions; 85% of children exhibiting behavior disorders; and 90% of all homeless and runaway children. Herbert London, of the Hudson Institute, has noted, "It is instructive that 87 percent of those incarcerated in American prisons either don’t know who their father is or have not had any contact with their fathers in years."

Men have a unique way of giving love and a sense of value and self worth to children, which children need, just as they need the love and nurturing provided by their mother. When the father isn’t there to give his special gift, children suffer, just as they do when the mother is missing.

So how do fathers give this "special gift?" This is where a true celebration of Father’s Day eventually becomes a celebration of marriage. Author Theodore Hesburgh explains, "The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother." Steven Stosny, Ph.D., put it this way, children "need fathers to live for them, to value them, and to value what they most value - their mothers." But, what do we call a loving, uplifting, committed, publically recognized relationship between a man and a women, which produces children? Answer: Marriage! In the end, marriage is the social context in which fathers can father best, because he fathers best, when he loves his children’s mother, and is publically committed to her.

Psychiatrist Scott Haltzman, at Brown University, has some suggestions to help you become the world’s best Dad (because you’ll be the world’s best husband):

"Keep your eye on the prize." Your marriage is "the prize." Don’t let anything, even career or hobbies, take over first place. After the honeymoon, keep doing what you did to court her before you got married, so she always knows she’s still # 1. It’s been said (and this applies to wives, too), "Spoil your spouse.....not your children." Your children are watching. They’ll love you for it.

"Listen before you leap." Often women don’t want anything fixed, they simply want to be heard and understood. "Take time to figure out what's really on her mind. Just listening, without talking, is a good start."

"Leave a legacy." Haltzman explains that, "a healthy marriage teaches children important lessons about their own relationships." Kids from intact marriages have a lower risk of divorce. "So when your grandchildren celebrate Father's Day, they’ll be doing it in the home of both their parents."

Marriages That Work, which is now presenting programs as Family Matters of Southeast Michigan, wants your input and questions about marriage education. Call us at 266-8525, Email us at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or write us at Marriages That Work (Family Matters of Southeast Michigan), 604 S. Main St., Adrian, MI 49221. Please include your name (unless you wish to remain anonymous), your age, martial status, and city.

James Sheridan lives with his wife, son, three dogs, and two cats. His day job is District Court Judge in Adrian. His web site is www.marriagedoneright.com